Me wants me back
I wanna be deep again.
Im just letting my fingers doing the typing.
Whatever comes up in my head...is going on here.
I guess I haven't blogged so deeply as I used to because stuffs changed. Moving colleges, becoming older, moving up in the world, making new friends, loosing old ones. Its been a hard year...a whole year...and it hasn't got easier.
Yeah you can block stuff up and just try and live your life, but thats not me. I wanna share my opinion, be deep, take people on a journey when they read this - if anyone does.
It's like, I was in the position where there was deep stuff that I wasn't afraid of...but now, theres even deeper stuff that I'm terrified of.
Loosing friends at college. I only have one and a half years left at college, and I guess it is really phat. And I know I'm a hypocrite and say 'I thought this was supposed to be the best 2 years of my life!' well, in a way it is. I've grown. I sometimes like have an outer body experience where I can see myself doing what I'm doing...and I'm proud of myself.
'God's really given you a big heart Hat'
erm...I can't see any difference from how i used to be, but I guess I'll take their word for it.
I just wanna be able to pick up my pen and write. Not be so exhausted everytime I even write the date. Sometimes I have the strength to write a little. But never enough that I'm going so deep that I'm crying my tear-ducts out of business.
I wanna start writing beautiful songs and poetry and not be so annoyed at how childish I think they are. I never throw them away, but at the same time, I never show them or re-read them.
I wanna be creative.
Even if the stars fell like rain
I realised today - despite all my wining - i love this time of year.
Wet leafs on the floor, muddy, cold, everyone in scalfs and gloves wrapped up warm, having one finger freezing and the rest boiling. It's all good.
Best bit would have to be walking home after college with the sunset. 8)
College is so much different from Millais. Some not what I thought to be honest. One thing that totally took me by suprise is how much I'm respecting myself. Of course I didn't think I would be slutty, but I'm not bothered about what people think of me.
At Millais...there was a huge amount of pressure to be the skinniest, have the shortest skirt, have the best make up colours to go with the bottle green-ness that clouded all our styles everyday. But college...well theres another story!
Yeah you still get some girls who (or maybe a few) who are obviously freezing their ass's off just to look 'cute', but I myself...I've enjoyed wrapping up in other peoples coats and scarfs!! I've enjoyed sitting with the coats giving me a big buldge looking like im the fatty hatty.
Batty Matty
Just to
prove the pressures.
'Youre more than your body' It's so true. I love the friends i hang around with. I feel so accepted and I wanna thank y'all.
My guy.
(minus the gossip thing)
Smile like you mean it
I'm always trying to be a good person to be around.
Trying to be churpy and happy and bring joy to people.
Trying to be spiritually aware.
Trying to be aware of people and how to react to them.
I'm just trying to be an alright person all round.
But some things get the better of me. Like my academic skills...and all my other insecurities. I can't help what drives me. I can't help what makes me smile and doesn't. This is me. As I come.
I've always, my whole life, been trying to grow and be more like other people. More chilled, layed-back, more fun, more outgoing, more social, more hardworking, more sturn and more motivated. But I can't. I can't and shouldn't make idols of people. No-one should.
Dear Children, leep yourselves from idols.
1 John 5:21
I'm living my God how he wants me to...and I can only pray and ask for guidance that I'm doing the right thing daily.
Look across the world
And let us shine for you, Lord
The whole world is yours
And I want to live for you
I'm doing this for you.
16th November
Happy Birthday Mumma
x
Golden Oldey
We want to see Jesus lifted high
A banner that flies across this land
That all men might see the truth and know
He is the way to heaven
We wanna see
We wanna see
We wanna see Jesus lifted high
Step by step we're moving forward
Little by little we're taking ground
Every prayer a powerful weapon
Strongholds come tumbling down
and down and down and down
We wanna see
We wanna see
We wanna see Jesus lifted high
Prayer and Fasting
Paul and Barnabas appointed elders for them in each church and, with prayer and fasting, committed them to the Lord, in whom they had put their trust. Acts 14:23Ive been praying and fasting today and from 8-1 it felt like a normal day (minus the breakfast) (and added some longer prayer this morning) and then it got to lunch, and i couldn't be near food, so I went to the LRC with Jakka and Gary Lee. But now, I'm on the verge of my tummy rumbling. And it's testing me. This no food business is actually relatively hard considering we have 3 meals a day + like 1billion snacks and become obese.
But walking home from college, I was talking with God, and I realised, all day I hadn't been in awe of his beautiful creation...which is a bit weird, cuz I'm always praising God for what he's blessed this beautiful world with. So I lifted my head up, RIGHT up so I was looking at the sky and not where I was walking, and I saw clouds. They looked so soft and beautiful. Cuddly. This was God hugging me while I was weak. While I was fragile. He was helping me.
Why is it that with praying and fasting...the fasting side of it is more fascinating? When someone asks you why you're not eating, you say
'Because I'm fasting.' and not
'Because I'm praying and fasting.' I did it today. Only drinking water this minute while feeling like I'm drowning because I'm weak from lack of food is making me realise...that God is my strength through this. This is a time when I'm weak, fragile, in pain and I need to let him take control and help me, carry me.
Aswell as God taking control of the hunger/weakness situation. We're also supposed to be praying for something/someone. Well, don't have to, it's our free choice - but that's the idea. And so I'm giving my heart to God for this person I'm praying for. Putting the situation in God's hands even though it's not my situation. And I strongly believe with all my faith something is going to change and theres going to be an amazing shinning light of the living God that will be radiant.
My Dog is cooler than yours.
