Beginning of this
Over the last couple of years, I've let my creative spirit in me become squashed and abandoned.
I used to write poems and songs, I used to blog constantly. I still have all my poems and songs in my bedroom back in Horsham and I plan to carry them around me wherever I go throughout my life. They're a reminder of where I've been, what I've learnt, who I loved, who I was.
Sometimes I think they mean more than pictures ever could. A photograph can be taken in a second, whereas a song takes time, commitment, deep thought and passion. Songs can paint better pictures than any photograph can. The intricate detail put into it, the heart, soul and passion spilt out on to that piece of paper. As soon as you start writing, that song is yours.
The most prodigious quality about heart-filled songs, is how they can match the feelings in someone else's soul. How they can make someone else fall to tears, or get that deep breathe in their chest of delight.
I've abandoned all of this. Dare I say it, became materialistic.
As I look at it, and God shows me the pureness of all this creativity that he's given me a passion for, I'm smiling but am so scared. I'm scared of failing, but what do I intend to become? I don't want to become famous. I want to use my talents for his glory. I want to use it to draw close to him just like I did back then.
As I close my eyes, and listen to the gentle plucking of guitar strings, I see it all. It's too much for me to know how to interpret. So I can only try throughout my life in music and lyrics.
Here I come, a fragile starter trying to reach her full potential.
It's okay to be silly
Your past has made you who you are today.
Whether the past was good or bad, it's made you.
A loner, a thief, poor, generous, friendly, scared, helpful, critical, passionate, decisive, a leader, a mother, delicate, boring, sincere. Your past has made you.
I think it's right for us to sometimes self assess ourselves. Think about the kind of person we are. And try to figure out what may have made us like this. This means going back in the past. Having a good route-around. And this can hurt. Memories can be painful or embarrassing. Looking back can change us, and once again, make us to be somebody.
We need to self assess our personalities, our priorities, our wants, the desires of our heart. Why do we have these priorities and desires? Are they from insecurity within us to want to be someone better? Or someone different?
We should be able to feel proud of ourself. If you don't feel proud of yourself for being able to look back and stopping and thinking about your desires or priorities, you should do. Feel proud that you have been able to take the time and been able to reflect upon yourself. We don't do it enough as a human race.
We're delicate. We need relationship, love, compassion, friends to sustain us. We have an expectation of what our friends and people around us should be like. But how do we match up to that expectation? Is it a one-way thing? In my experience one-way relationships never work.
A lot has changed in my life recently. I've gained old friends back, lost friends, made new ones. I've grown lasting friendships with people I never could've imagined. Old and young, male and female. Friends.
I'm truly happy as well. I can feel my heart smiling. It's amazing. Subconsciously, I knew my heart could smile, but now, it's been brought to my conscious.
This pure happiness has brought out one important thing in my personality...sillyness.
It's okay to be silly. It's good for the soul. To laugh. To smile. To dance and sing. To play jokes. I'd rather have smile wrinkles than frown wrinkles when I'm older...so that's what I'm aiming for.
Whenever I look back, I can always see at least one set of footprints.
In God's Hands
I've had a lot to think about this past month.
And not much of it has been easy.
I've done stupid things, said stupid things, acting in stupid ways.
And as a result of my actions, I've hurt and upset people. Disappointed people.
I wish I could have not caused those emotions and heart break. I prayed desperately for other ways.
I've been immature, selfish and fragile. How do you handle yourself when like that?
Coming to the King is the only answer that has worked for me.
I know how God see's me, what he calls me and how he see's my heart. I know I'm precious to him and am worth all the trouble.
I guess it would be a lot easier if I felt other people felt the same. But then we're not called to be people who are like-able. We're called to be like Jesus. And I'm desperate for that.
So one of the first things I need to do is to ask for your forgiveness.
The next first thing...
I go have a chat with God.
Jesus' Blood Never Fails Me
I feel delicate.
I've been worrying a lot about money - it seems I actually can't afford to be at university...even with the Student Loans Company.
I've been getting worked up over not being involved in a church or feeling very part of a church.
I've been missing my family lots - even though I'm gonna see them in 12 days.
I've just been
soaking. God gave me a picture.
I was wondering around trying to make a movie, where I'm one of the characters, but I'm making the movie myself. There'd be a scene where I had to prop the camera up because I fall down, then I have to cut out certain bits like me walking away from the camera and getting in position.
And God just said...you have me to help you with your dreams. I'm your film crew. I'm your director, your camera man, your sound man, your makeup artist. Just come to me and I will guide you.
He is so good.
God you are so good to me. You put peace in my heart, yet you put the loudest joy in my heart also! I just want a deeper relationship with you. You've stolen my heart, captured it, it's all yours.
