Holy Spirit, Gift of God

Confused as a mad apple with a turnip

“I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.” Douglas Adams

Im totally confused. I think I know where I wanna be, I think I know how I wanna feel, I think I know when I need to do stuff, I think I know how I need to do stuff, but am I gonna end up where 'I think' now?

See, Ive just confused myself by writing that...so Ive probably confused you aswell!


Okay, ill do little by little...


















'I think I know where I wanna be'
Well, I know where I wanna be, like physically, but mentally...im not sure.
But first physically: Around now Im making decisions about where to go to College next year. The last two years, Ive been to Holy Trinity Open Evening, and yeah, there was a point when I wanted to go there, but I think that was because I hadn't been to any other Colleges. But last night, I went to Collyers Open Evening, and i must say, it's pretty awesome! Its got all the courses I wanna do, its not a school environment (unlike Holy Trinity) and I think if I went to Collyers, I would have more motivation to do work and get good grades than at Holy Trinity. And I guess I would just see Holy Trinity as a a chore to do everyday, like school. But my parents are keen on me to go to Holy Trinity as it has a christian aspect, and they think I won't comprimise my faith if I went there. I haven't 'comprimised' my faith at Millais, I think its made me even stronger going there as Ive had to stand out and be an example. I love going to church, living a life for God, so theres no way I would give that up.
Mentally: I think I need to get my priorities straighter than they already are. I was extremely behind in coursework, and yet I'd sit on msn, or watch TV. There so much other stuff I wanna get my head round. I wanna have a closer relationship with God. I have a friend who says, he is not that close to God at the moment, he has been giving it his all, going to church, praising, getting prayed for, but he is just not 'feeling' anything. Yeah, thinking about it now, I haven't 'felt' anything for a while, but Ive still been praying, reading the bible, worshiping, because I know and strongly believe God isn't gonna leave any of his children on their own.


'I think I know how I wanna feel'
I know how I wanna feel in the future, about friendships, relationships, my career. I want all my friendships to be a strong as they are now, or even stronger, but I know that this next year will change a huge amount. In my eyes I can only see one relationship working out in the future. It all sees to go down hill when I look at it now, but I feel a connection and I feel like something is meant to happen. I wanna feel proud of my career in the future, not feel like a failure. I wanna do something I enjoy, Im getting worried as days go by when I think about how much time I wasted last year with work, how much futher up in my grades I could be.























'I think I know when I need to do stuff'
I think I know when I need to comfort someone, say a certain thing to someone special but sometimes I feel like somethings holding me back. What is it? My concious? Am I too carefull? Do I think about how it'll affect people too much? Am I too quiet? Do I always think people will take it the wrong way?
I know when I need to do work, give myself some time for me. But I can't motivate myself to do it. Im not that much of a lazy person, maybe its just the over-load Ive had recently. Maybe its me doubting myself and thinking, it'll be crap, so there no point in me doing it.



In all this confusion, theres stuff Im sure of...
Im sure that I LOVE looking at the stars, fireworks and any other awesome scenery and it brings back amazing memories, gives me comfort and its what I feel safe in doing.
Im sure of how I want to feel about myself and my feelings, now and in the future.
Im sure that I need the loo...so I'll finish!
But one thing that Im sure of is that I Love You

posted by MissHarwood @ 16:32