Nothing good lasts
Yeh...so...im unhappy now, well not unhappy, but just not happy.
Why do all the good things in my life go?
Things that could actually be AMAZING, just go.
Ive have so much trouble with friendships recently....people thinking i don't care about them, friends thinking i will judge them if they talk to me about their problems, so i have to find out by other people, does no-one trust me? Just because im a christian, doens't mean im gonna judge you, or your mistakes or how you feel...im not a complete bitch...am I?
Im sorry to not have updated for ages and then bring a really depressing one out, but im fed up, hurt and emotionally-drained. and not in a good way.
Im not saying I wanna be an agony aunt or anything, but even friends that ive known all my life don't tell me stuff...that hurts.
I just wanna curl up in a ball on a pile of cushions, stay there for hours on end crying my heart out.
People are gonna say...'you can trust me...i won't tell ANYONE' but i can only actually believe that from a couple of people, because past experiences have taught me stuff. Even if you tell your closest friend, other people are still gonna find out. If someone confides in you, pours their heart out to you, you have
no right to go and tell other people...thats just wrong. It frustrates me. Everyone has the right to have
at least one person they can confide in and that person not tell a soul. But some people are so caught up in gossip they have to tell other people...hello?...its not gossip...its peoples
personal feelings.
Theres so much stuff i wanna say on here, but i wanna spare peoples feelings...so ill just end it here.
But please could you just pray for me...im not a happy bunny.
Sorry its short again
Judgement
Every morning when I wake up, I take my phone out from under my pillow...put my
slippers on...put my big hoodie on...then crawl under my bed looking for my Yp's magazine (Young People's christian magazine)...then I walk downstairs...grab a bowl FULL of shreddies and sit at the table reading my magazine.
Today the reading was about The Prodical Son (or his brother)...
For those who don't know the story, ill cut it short...
Two brothers, one dad...the brothers got half each of the inheritence from their dad. One of the brothers, Sam, worked hard, looking after his family, and the land...
while the other Son, Pete, went and spent his half on materialistic things. Basically...in the end the son who went away, came crawling back to his dad saying 'Ive pigged out on selfishness. I've disobeyed God and let you down, please forgive me.'
His father replied with love and compassion and accepted his son back into his life and home.
Sam was a top-of-the-form son, hard working, loyal and obedient. Unlike younger Pete, who was a dead loss, you could rely on him. And he didn't cause any of the aggravation or grief that Pete brought to his parents.
When Pete hit the party trail, Sam stayed at home working hard to keep the farm going and to look after his folks. That was admirable - but Sam resented the wild way Pete behaved and couldn't forgive the way he had treated them.
So when Pete turned up and got a fabulous welcome, Sam flipped his lid. He thought it was time to throw Pete out, not throw a party...lay into him, not lay out the red carpet. So he sulked outside, haranguing his Dad about favouritism and how unfairly he had been treated...
An important part of forgiveness is learning to forgive. In the Lord's Prayer we ask God to 'forgive us our sins as we forgive others.' Do you mean that?
We often ask God to forget out failings while reminding others of theirs. What right have we got to do that? Are we better then them? Deep down Sam thought he was better than Pete which made it hard for him to forgive his brother.
It's so easy to see the speck of sawdust in someone's eye while there's a 8 x 4 block of chipboard in ours. Those who appreciate how much God has forgievn them hesitate to point the finger at others.
To Sam, Pete was a dead loss who deserved punishment. To God, Pete was alive and found. The father saw things God's way and celebrated. Forgiving others is a priorty - It needs to be done before we ask God to forgive us.
Dead end, always
Wheres my life going?
Am i actually meant for anything, to achieve anything is this lifetime? At the moment, i feel like the answer is no.
I know what i want to do after school - collyers. but my mums got other ideas. Im thinking of taking Spanish, Business studies and Geography for A level, but depends on my GCSE grades really.
But what am I gonna go on to do when Ive finished college?? I used to have a dream when I was younger to be a vet, im abit of an animal lover, not as obsessed as i used to be, but i still love animals. Now, i have no idea what to do, I would love to do something with music...be the next J-Lo!!! haha...nah, i wouldn't wanna become famous...I'd grow apart from my God, people might see me as a sex object, so would not want that. Im cool with being me, but i guess i just want to security in knowing whats gonna happen in my life. But i supposed everyone does at a stage in their life. I would love to have a music career, but what actually is there in music??? Apart form that, i don't know what i want to do. Does anyone reading this know what they want to do/be?
I know I'd love to do something like the impact team, but I would be scared of after a year (depending on where i did it) all the friends i made, i would have to leave them behind...I couldn't do that. At the moment, ive got a
delirious? song playing in the back ground, an old one...but its bringing tears into my eyes....
ahem...anyway...
Last Sunday, our
youth lead the service at
church. It was TOTALLY awesome man! (all my friends who didn't come...you missed out!!) I was so nervous at first because, i dunno really, ive sung up infront church before, but thinking about it now, im guessing it was the fact that
Ben and Nicola were there! Don't ask me why, but i just was. But once we started..i was off!! Just being in the presence of God was amazing. Really good. The worship seemed like it didn't last for long, but i guess that was because i was enjoying myself.
And Bretts talk....Woah!!, amazing!! I was listening to hard to every single word, I was really gripped into it!! I know i wanna live my life for God, everything I do is for him. Some people don't get it...whats not to get?! I love my God, he loves me...its a match made in heaven!! haha...(ah man, that was just cheesy!)
Yeh, so sorry this post isn't very long, and sorry I haven't updated in a while!
everyone else :
update
Freedom is served on a plate with Turkey
OKay, before i start this post, lemme turn me music off, cuz the last post, i got distracted by good music and didn't get all my views across!...
Well, as you lot seemed to appreciate and like that last post so much, which i was a bit shocked about, I'm gonna pour my heart out again!
I seem to get freedom about once a year, if that!...parents! I love them to bits and don't know what i would do without them....but sometimes i do! I only get freedom about the times they go on holiday, because i don't have to go with them anymore. But then by the end of about a week, my bro kicks in with the whole 'responsible gardian' action. I love Ben to bits, but when he gets all responsible, its so annoying. Like making sure im okay when im out late at night and giving me a time to be home....ahhh!!!
Gimmea break!
I think this coming year is gonna suck to be honest! I can already feel the pressure coming on from school. This last year (10) has not been a good year for me. Im thinking it was straight after the Spanish Exchnage i went on where my views changed. I just couldn't really be bothered with school and my grades. I got into trouble for mucking around. I remeber one time, me and my mate Vicky were asked by our Spanish teacher Mrs Gilling (hey Mrs Gilling, just incase your readin this!!! haha!), she asked us to go and swop some books from a room. So we walked across the tennis courts to the room, but there was a class in there. The class was doing a listening exam so we waited for a bit. Mrs Gilling had explained EXACTLY where the books where, so we knew! After about 10 minutes, it was either now or never! So we bottled it! We walked back across the tennis courts with the same books and when we got back to the classroom we made up the excuse that 'we couldn't find any green cupboard with books in'...that made it sound like we went into the wrong room. She was FURIOUS, so she went across herself and got the books. We dilayed the whole class about half and hour of the lesson! So we had to stay in at break!
Another thing me and Vicky used to do was make Mrs Gilling as furious as possible, (I'd always bottle it) but Vicky always did her best. Just little stuff like pick on her (in a teacher-pupil friendly way) but she'd still get annoyed!! ah man...the amount of laughs we had. Good memories....Or where they? I regret each and every single one of them now, yeh sure, it was funny at the time, but my grades are so bad in spanish now, and its not only spanish. So this year, as soon as i go back, im gonna get stuck in! I seriously wanna do so well and i want to be proud of my grade. Seeing my mate (no names mentioned) getting not exactly perfect grades this year actually got me really worried and ive spent days thinking about my attitude towards school. My mate got a second chance of getting into college, but he had to re-take maths. The look in his eyes when he opened his results, I felt like I wanted to cry. I know Im not gonna get like A's or anything, but i want more than D's, so Ive gotta work my ASS off this year, so sorry if i say no to socials!
I can also feel the pressure coming from my parents. At the beginning of the holidays, my mum sorted out some revision for me to do every day. Nooo! I can't stand revision, it just doesn't work for me. And i think its kind of cheating, because your re-learning stuff. So shouldn't you just be testing on what you already know!!
Also its gonna suck because at the end of the year, i dunno whats happening with friends. Are we ever gonna see each other? Most of us want to get into colliers, so hopefully we will see each other. But what if we don't. What if one of my friends becomes a chav! Am i gonna dis-own them? I don't know...i don't want to, but most chav's i know hate me! haha! so im thinking i may stay away.
This year is also gonna suck because My bro will be leaving home...nooo! Its AMAZING that hes getting married (September 06!, don't get me wrong, I'm soooooo happy for them. And im also Bridesmaid!!!), but noooo! Who am I gonna get lifts off when my parents can't be bothered??? I won't be able to talk to him at night through our door-ways. I won't be able to complain about when he leaves the toothpaste in the basin. I won't have him and Nic coming over to chill or watch a video! They've said I can run away to their house to get away from mum and dad, but where they gonna live? if its so far away, i could just go up to ashleigh's! but of course, i will visit them! Im not that selfish!
Good memories (may not mean anything to you, but does to me and ben!):
Im gonna win!:Whenever we used to have Spaghetti Bolognese, me and Ben always used to count the amount of mushrooms we had and see who had the most. And also, we used to have a little pot of grated cheese on the table, we'd offer it to our parents first, (of course!) then me and Ben would fight over who would have it last. Like he would want it last but then so would i!! Because the cheddar would be real nice at the bottom and it was just a 'thin'g to get the last of the cheddar!!!
ROUND ONE!:Me and Ben always used to Wrestle on my parents bed (not dodgey or anything, but it was big, wouldn't hurt if we fell off and my parents wouldn't find us for ages!) We used to wrestle! not gonna go into any detail, but was funny...we'd always get told off for it!
I'm a great sister!:Every sunday, Ben used to have to do the washing up. He used to moan about not being able to play football with any of his friends until he had done it, so I used to help him. He'd do a proper job, but then leave it to me to clear away! Now I have to do the washing up every sunday (when I'm there!) and i get no help what-so-ever! charmin!
Yeh, so thats gonna suck!
Then another thing thats gonna suck is B and Sam going. NOOO!! This last couple of months, ive only just started to get to know Sam and B really well and now your gonna be leaving soon. *tears* B, the thing Im gonna remember you by is your competitive streak!! so funny! Especially at the holiday club when WE WON and you were last!! haha!!! and yes, although the results were fixed, they were the whole week so we cannot actually tell who would have won!
Sam, ive already spoke to you bout you leaving, but i just wanna say Thank You. Youve been a really cool friend to me. I wanna see you two keep blogging and stay in touch!! Im gonna miss you guys loads, and this is one of the things that makes me sad the most. Nothings gonna be the same without you two. Me, Sam and Lauren did a audioblog, so check it out!!!
<
Well, i think im gonna end it here cuz ...well...im sad. Here ya go, another post from the heart, probably cheesy to some people, but thats my heart.
Love you allxxx
We don't have long
Recently stuff in my life has gone on....fall outs, listenin to lyrics closely,
making new friends, becoming closer to people, helping other people, building my relationship with God. All this has made me relise some stuff...
Sam let me borrow his
SwitchFoot album (which is INCREDIBLE!!!) and there first song on there called Meant To Live says in the Chorus...
'We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
Somewhere we live inside'
n it got me thinking...'what am i living MY life for'?? Me? Friends? Family? Money? Fame? God?
A couple of months ago, a was talking to a 'certain friend' (not saying who, but luv ya!xxx) about my relationship with God. I was in a real state because to be honest, i wasn't close, i had just got into like heavy music, which is good, but it was the wrong kind of bands. So i was drifting away from God. I suppose i was being fake towards people, i wasn't swearing or doin anything dodgey or anything like that, i still went to church, but thinking about it now, it was only to sing up front in the band n jam, or meet up with friends n 'chill'. Oh how i was wrong!...so wrong! This 'certain friend' gave me sum good advice as 'this certian friend' was in the same situation. I don't know if this 'certain friend' was praying for me, (they said they would!!!) but i was praying for that 'certain friend' and now were back into it. I still love heavy rock music n loads of different types, but now, i'm listenin to the right kind of music with right lyrics. Theres so much different types of christian music, so don't think its all gonna be like organs or whatever, cuz seriously, ITS NOT!!
People live there lifes for them....but all ur gonna get out of that is like 100 years of life (if that) n then what....hell....what joy!! The bible tells us that hell is gonna be worse than we can EVER think of...i don't wanna go to a place thats gonna be worse than my nightmares, or worse than my horrible most scary thoughts...do u? I know i take alot for granted and having my parents be away for a week and helping out at the holiday club has made me see how much i do take for granted. People who live there lifes for themselves hurt other people aswell as thereselves in the end. I don't wanna be known as a bitch or someone whose stuck-up. I just wanna be 'HAT'! Theres no-one else i'd rather be, God loves me and thats all that matters to me.
People worry about fashion - if its a bargain n it fits u n u have the money n u NEED it, then get it!
People worry about friends - you don't own other people, dont expect them to solve ur problems for u always, friends will be there, but YOU have to sort out the problem, YOU haver to relise.
People worry about weight - WHY??? i used to aswell, but ive become more secure. as some of u know, i can handle jokes (i have an older bro!) As u know, i have moments when i don't eat anything for days apart from like lil' snakcs and other days i completely pig out, thats me.
People worry about appearances - Some people are in wheel-chairs for LIFE, u still have working legs! People are in hospitals waiting for heart transplants and die on the waiting list, they spend there whole life waiting, and we walk around healthy comlaining about being hungary or bored...AT LEAST WE CAN DO STUFF!
People are dying all over the world - are you even bothered? Do you give money to them? Do you go and help them? Or do u spend it on the most recent piece of '
in' clothing or Cd or car, whatever?
STOP BEING OBSESSED WITH PHYSICAL THINGS! grow up! Days are gonna go by where you have arguments with friends, you'll both get over it. Days are gonna go by where u completely embarras yourself..so? as
SwitchFoot say
'Gone, like yesterday is gone
Like History is gone
Just try and prove me wrong'
you can't get back 'yesterday', you can't edit it, delete it, change it, ITS GONE AND YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT. Don't waste your life picking fights, being 'bored', get out and do something! live for something that means something. I am
